by Medha Sarin, staff reporter

Way back before this whole coronavirus thing, when school was still a regular occurrence and I was still wondering how I’d possibly survive freshman year—before all that, I distinctly remember hearing this question as I walked into class:

“Are you guys boyfriend-girlfriend?”

This wasn’t directed at me, of course, because I’ll have a boyfriend whenever pigs fly or the coronavirus goes away (whatever comes first). But it got me wondering, can you really ask this type of question to anyone? You can definitely ask this to a boy and girl, no problem. But not everyone identifies as a boy or a girl. Many people categorize themselves under genders and identities that aren’t male and female (non-binary, for example). So, can you simply peg the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” on to two dating people, regardless of their gender or identity? Is that…correct?

 Since I’m an expert at neglecting homework, I’ve been utilizing #coronabreak solely to research this, and I’ve found that the answer is just one piece of a whole puzzle.

The phrase “boyfriend-girlfriend” is not politically correct. It’s usable for some types of relationships, but not all; there are people who don’t identify as male and female and/or don’t feel comfortable being called a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. In that case, if you want to know their dating life, don’t ask if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Ask one of these questions instead:

“Do you have a partner?”

“Do you have a significant other?”

I know,  it sounds really awkward. It certainly doesn’t roll off the tongue the way the more familiar terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” do. However, by asking these types of questions, you’re not only respecting a person’s identity, but you’re also not making unnecessary assumptions about it.

Which leads me to the gender-neutral pronoun.

Just like “he” is used for males and “she” for females, “they” is how you can neutrally refer to someone. If you want to refer to someone in the third person, but you don’t know this person’s gender identity, use “they”.

“I just met that person. They’re nice.”

I know what you’re thinking. All of this is so weird! Asking about people’s significant others and attributing “they” instead of “he” or “she” sounds strange. But the thing is, even if people give you weird looks for using this kind of language, you’re being respectful and accurate, and that’s all that matters.

It’s a norm in society to assume whether people are either male or female. We pick up on certain cues, like how people look, dress and talk. Then, we categorize them into certain identities or orientations. 

This person has a beard, so they’re probably male.

That person is wearing high heels, so they must be female.

That person has “girly” hair, so they’re female, but they also have facial hair, so are they male or transgender? Oh, but they have pink nail polish, and pink is a girl color, so they’re female. But wait! They’ve got a masculine voice, so they’ve gotta be male!

Nowhere is gender specificity more an issue than in our everyday language. You may not realize it, but the common phrases and jokes you say to your school friends are actually oriented toward either males or females. 

“That’s the tea, sis!”

“Come on, man.”

“Sis” and “man” are just some of the gender-oriented jargon used by our generation. And while it’s true that some words start out gender-oriented but, over time, become popular as a gender-neutral term (“dude” or “guys”, for instance), we still have plenty of expressions exclusively geared toward males or females. And not everyone feels the same way about words like “dude” or “guy”. I, for example, still feel like “dude” is a male-oriented word and try not to use it to address my female friends.

We don’t live in a cookie-cutter society of only boys and girls, and men and women. Other genders, identities, and orientations exist. Unfortunately, many of us have been brought up to associate certain characteristics with certain genders. We see these kinds of problems even with everyday language! This is a narrow-minded and unjust way of thinking. As a society, we need to be accepting of the fact that there are people who aren’t male or female. These people shouldn’t be categorized with the pronouns “he” or “she”. It’s not respectful to them.

Now, this is all fine and dandy, but it doesn’t mean you should always use “they”. Only use “they” if you don’t know how a person wants to be identified. But if you do talk to this person, and they tell you they want to be referred to by a certain word, respectfully use that word. However, “they” is the politically correct gender-neutral pronoun, not “he”, not “she”, not “it”.  

Here’s what you need to do during this fabulous virus-induced staycation: become aware of how you use pronouns. I guarantee that once you begin incorporating “they” into your vocabulary, you’ll start noticing how often gender-implicative words are used. 

The most important thing you can do is to ask people how they want to be identified. In a society built on assumptions, you might feel better off guessing someone’s identity than actually knowing what it is. However, to be truly respectful and accepting, you need to change your behavior a bit, and politely ask them what their pronoun is. You may not realize it, but your best friend whom you’ve always thought of as a female may identify as the opposite gender, genderless, or something else. It all depends on how a person wants to be identified, what they like and what makes them comfortable. Know that even though “they” is politically correct, it doesn’t mean everyone who isn’t male or female wants that pronoun. So, you need to check with people, and make sure you know what kind of language is right for them. 

Lastly, realize it if you make a mistake. Hesitate the next time you have to use a pronoun, and carefully decide the correct word to say. If you say “he” instead of “they”, for example, recognize the error. Now, recognition may just be you thinking to yourself, “I said the wrong thing”, but do it anyway; it will benefit you in the long run.

The awkward, disrespectful assumptions we make about people’s genders can be removed. They don’t have to be the norm.

It all starts with you.

And it starts with they.