by Maya Girimaji, section editor

There was a period of time where I was uncomfortable with who I was. I’m ashamed to say that from intermediate school and all the way to the beginning of my freshman year I was embarrassed of who I was. Part of it was probably due to puberty. Part of it was also because I didn’t know who I was (something that we’ve all been through). And the other part was that I was not confident. I hated my skin tone, my hair color, my culture and my beliefs. It became an actual problem that affected me daily and needed to be addressed.

Growing up, I saw a few high school students in the Indian community lose faith in their religion and cut all connections they had with India. I never wanted to be “that person”, yet in middle school, that was who I became. I believed that having light skin, blue eyes, and blonde hair meant that you were beautiful. Society taught me that having colored skin made you ugly. It showed me that the only way you can fit in and be with the “popular kids” was to throw away any idea you had of being unique and to become as white as possible. And that’s exactly what I did. For four years, I tried to be somebody I wasn’t and lost every value and bit of culture my parents have instilled in me from the day I was born.

I never saw the beauty and uniqueness in my culture and religion. I got embarrassed when we learned about Hinduism in history class. I hated walking around publicly in a ghagra (an Indian dress). I felt awkward when my parents talked in their mother tongue in public and would worry if somebody would hear us and judge us. I never wanted my mother to pack Indian food for lunch because I was uncomfortable eating it in front of my friends.

Being away from India for almost four years really took its toll on me. When I was younger, I went to India every other summer and also had a strong relationship with the Indian community here. Surrounding myself with people who took pride in their country and surrounding myself with that culture kept me from the whole idea that you have to be somebody you’re not to fit in. Just the whole atmosphere and knowing that everybody else also got excited when Shah Rukh Khan (a popular Bollywood actor) released a new movie or would freely walk around in traditional Indian dresses and nobody would think twice about it shielded me from the beliefs society back in America had. It wasn’t until two years ago that I realized that if I pull out my roots, what will I have left?

It took me so long to appreciate and embrace who I am with open arms. It took me a lot longer than I may have wanted it too. But now I will happily walk around in a ghagra because I think I look beautiful. Now I’ll gladly say my favorite movie of all time is a Bollywood movie. Now I’m begging my mom to talk to me only in Hindi so I can learn. I invite my friends to my dance performances and love offering Indian food to people when they come to my house. I shamelessly blast Bollywood songs at parties and try to drag my friends to Cinemark to watch the new Bollywood movie because I know they will enjoy it. Getting rid of that crushing weight and fear of being judged and not belonging is finally gone and it’s the greatest feeling in the world.

I’m still disappointed in my younger self and I will probably always be. I was immature and insecure. But, at the same time, I’m glad it happened at the time it did and how it happened, because I probably wouldn’t appreciate my culture as much as I do now. There’s no point in trying to change yourself. As much as you’ll try to run away from it, people will always look at you and know that you’re from India or the Middle East or from any other country in the world. So instead of putting so much effort into fighting it, why not channel that effort into loving it? And when I finally began to love my skin tone, culture, hair color and beliefs, I realized how accepting this country and society is of all people from different backgrounds. I was just exposed to the wrong part of this society. I lost who I was and struggled for a long time to get that part of me back. And I finally did. It may be a little broken and probably needs to be worked on, but I found myself and somehow that was everything.