“I can’t love you or sumthin’ … I’m more dog than human,” said Weiss.
“I love dogs,” said Jupiter. (The main character’s name is Jupiter. Well done, world)
The Wachowskis once directed “The Matrix.” Nowadays it seems the standard for their films is more like a “Star Wars” prequel.
So, to summarize the plot: The main character Jupiter (still not kidding) who hates her life on Earth cleaning toilets with her Russian mother and extended family (her father died trying (and failing) to protect a telescope from robbers before she was born). Well, some people try to kidnap her because she apparently has the same genes as the deceased mother of the 3 universe leaders. Fortunately, wolf bird man Channing Tatum comes in and saves her a bunch. Also, people can live forever off of other people juice (it’s explained, but not really important to the plot).
One of our main complaints about the film is the really, really, pathetic main character. She gives into all of the bad guys demands almost immediately, and always needs to be rescued by Channing Tatum just a second before something bad happens as a result. Luckily for her, Channing Tatum is apparently the most competent soldier in the entire galaxy, and can rush across the universe in a millisecond and somehow set things on fire in space. Normally, we would’ve expected the Wachowskis to attempt to have a strong female protagonist, but instead they just made a ridiculously whiny and annoying one. Even when it’s an obvious trap, even when everyone in the audience gives a collective groan as Jupiter walks back into the snake pit for no reason, she does it, and then is saved by Channing Tatum.
The acting is also absolutely terrible. Channing Tatum delivers an average performance, but Mila Kunis sounds really apathetic about everything, and Eddie Redmayne has some of the most laughable acting of his career as he whispers, yells and stumbles his way across his lines in a performance that’s likely to hurt his chances for an Oscar this year. It was really hard to listen to him talk without bursting out in laughter.
We would say the love story is tacked on, but it kind of seems like it’s supposed to be the main focus of the movie. There is no chemistry between the two. They grow feelings for each other, although they don’t get them through a deep emotional attachment or dialogue, but rather through constantly being two inches away from each other’s faces, and because he’s a badass and is good at protecting people/murdering people/flying in space/flying in space without a suit literally in the vacuum of space/jumping on flying vehicles, and she’s a princess and isn’t going to do that stuff by herself.
So, should you go see Jupiter Ascending? Yes, but only with a group of friends that like to mock bad movies. Otherwise, you will just relegate yourself to a corner of the movie theater and cry while you wonder how the Wachowskis could have gone so wrong. Again.
