Opinions

Feb. 26, 2015: a date which will (possibly) live in infamy

ONION

by Alex Coopersmith, opinions editor & llama expert

When the clock struck midnight, heralding the start of Feb. 26, 2015, the big news was that marijuana is now legal in our nation’s capital.

24 hours later, the world had turned upside down.

It all started with the announcement that the FCC was reclassifying the internet under Title II of the Telecommunications Act of 1996 in order to enforce strong net neutrality regulations. (This means that Internet Service Providers now have to treat all websites equally, and that they can’t give certain websites faster speeds than the others)

Then, television had the greatest live chase since O.J. Simpson & the white Bronco. Everyone remembers where they were on June 17, 1994 when that car chase occurred in, of course, Los Angeles. But, this Twitter-age chase wasn’t about a possible murder… it was about lloose llamas. After approximately 30 minutes of two fugitive llamas breaking multiple traffic llaws (trotting the wrong way down streets, not stopping at stop signs, spitting on police officers), the llamas were llassoed and captured.

But the Internet had barely started.

ENTER, THE DRESS: little more than a badly-photographed (though rather nice) item of clothing, confusion over its color has prompted soul-searching debate (with the white-gold/blue-black teams engaged in the largest feud since the Team Edward/Team Jacob controversy of the 2000s). It also raised a key question: what color would the dress be on one of the escaped llovely llamas?

But back in the nation’s capitol, a Senator was doing his best to not be booted off the front page because of llama llove. Republican Senator Jim Inhofe of Oklahoma, Chairman of the Senate Environmental Committee brought and threw a snowball on the floor of the U.S. Senate to prove that global warming was a hoax. His logic? It had snowed! (During a time of the year when it usually snows, no less.)

As the last remaining minutes of Feb. 26, 2015 tick away, we must ask ourselves if today’s events are signs of our imminent demise as a species, if a few Washington politicians and reporters had a little too much now-legal fun or if humankind is simply reaching its apex of achievement.

If you want to check out the destruction, or wait for the next human breakdown, lliterally just go on Twitter.

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